On Fashion

(I wish I had more pictures to sprinkle into this blog, but for most of it, you'll have to just use your imagination.)

Let's go back to the beginning first. This is not a fashion picture (obviously - look at that hat!), but it will help take you back to a long time ago . . .

When I was a kid, my mother would not spend a lot of money on clothes for my brother and me. We would shop at places like C-Mart (a discounted department store overstock warehouse), K-Mart, and Goodwill. I also received a lot of handmedowns from a family friend. I was absolutely mortified to have to buy my blue jeans at Goodwill and wear sweaters that had been owned by someone else, so I kept these secrets close to my (thrifted) vest.

We were not a "poor" family by any means. My mother was (and still is) a very thrifty person, and chose to spend our family's money on other, more valuable and lasting things, such as taking a family vacation to a new place every summer. As an adult, I cannot fault her for this at all. As a kid, though, I have to admit that I was pretty bitter. I was the only girl on the basketball team without white umbro shorts (I wore cut-off white sweatpants--handmedown), and my "pump" sneakers were off-brand, from Payless. I didn't get to have a "poet blouse" like the popular girls at North Harford Middle School until I got one for my 12th birthday, and they were already out of style. I wore it to please my mom, but I was secretly embarrassed to be so late.

As a kid from elementary school up through the beginning of high school, my "style" was essentially to cobble together what I had into something that didn't suck. Thank god for the thick skin that artsy, weird kids are forced to grow. One of my favorite things to wear when I was 7 or 8 were extraordinarily loud bermuda shorts with solid color t-shirts. I remember being teased because I dressed like a boy. In fact, one my most vivid early memories is that I was in the bathroom at Hickory Elementary (I was probably 7 years old) and I heard a girl outside the stall gasp and say, "There's a boy in here!" She'd seen my shoes (knock-off Chuck Taylors, black rubber with navy canvas) and thought I was a boy. Another girl corrected her snidely, "Oh no, that's just Elly Zupko." That ended my early tomboy phase really quickly.

By the time I got to high school, I started to try to own my weirdness. I was no longer concerned with looking like the other girls; I realized that the pieces I was finding at Goodwill or got as handmedowns were unique, and could afford me a unique look. Being fairly shy, I realized I could stand out and be noticed (whether in a good or bad way) through my appearance. I was also starting to have a little bit of money, so I could buy strategic new pieces to liven up the other stuff. I think my greatest fashion moment to date was when my mother offered to go halfsies with me on my first pair of Dr. Marten's boots, a pair of 1460s in brown leather. They were $140 (I got ripped off; I know), so the contribution on my mother's part was huge, and I will never forget it. I think the first time I wore those shoes was the first time I ever really felt cool.

My fashion through high school (I still cringe to deign to call it "fashion") largely fell into two camps: one was wearing vintage t-shirts with jeans or cordoroy pants and my Docs. I still hold fast to the notion that I started the vintage t-shirt craze. I got a couple cool foreign t-shirts from my grandfather's trips to Hong Kong, got weird old stuff in my handmedown bags (huge trash bags full of clothes, brought home by my dad after church), and revisited old clothes from childhood that had been packed away. My brother made constant fun of me when I ransacked a box full of striped polo shirts that he'd worn in elementary school. I thought they were awesome, and they made my boobs look great, lol. I grabbed a couple of old oxfords from my grandfather's wardrobe (which were huge, but I thought looked cool with jeans). I also started wearing my middle school gym uniform shirt to class, and I thought that made me the coolest person ever. Take that 80stees.com. This picture is from college, but I am wearing one of those Hong Kong tees here (please, please, please ignore the hair):

The second camp was "old lady clothes." This particular term came from Jim, my boyfriend at the end of high school through college. This "fashion" came from me actively trying to be more feminine during my later high school years. I'd finally figured out what to do with my wild terrible hair, and started plucking my eyebrows. My braces were off, and I was kind of exiting my awkward phase. The jeans and boots got replaced with skirts and loafers, and I started wearing a lot of cardigan sweaters. I still wore the vintage shirts. This feminine look proved to be short-lived. I was still a tomboy at heart.

Another of my great fashion moments, when I really felt like I was "sticking it to the man" was Prom. I had (miraculously) been voted onto Prom Court with 9 other girls (I still can't really figure out how that happened, except that maybe the nerds united behind me). I wanted to do something pretty daring to stand out, so I found an amazing dress that had a denim bodice and a huge ball gown skirt. Who wears denim to Prom? Me, baby! I almost didn't buy it, because it was $200, but my big sister offered to go halfsies with me because she thought I HAD to have it. The kicker was that I also bought blue hair color and sprayed the back of my updo blue. Take that, popular girls. I didn't win Prom Queen (duh) but I sure felt like one that night. This is the best pic I have handy of the dress (holy crap was I skinny):

College proved to be a big change for me, fashion-wise. This was in large part due to Jim. Jim was fairly fashionable, and also spent what I considered to be a substantial amount of his money on clothes. He was brought up differently, and spent money on material things like nice clothes and a nice car, etc. This wasn't wrong, just different. He encouraged me to buy new things and to expand my wardrobe into things I actually wanted--not just clothes I happened across. It was because of him that I bought my FIRST pair of NEW blue jeans (which were $50!!!!!) but fit like a dream. Jim was also into the rave scene and got me into it, so my look started to head in that direction: industrial, boxy cuts on the bottom (like UFO pants), with fitted tops, and crazy bright accessories.

In college, I used to wear so many plastic and rubber bracelets that they went halfway up my forearms. I wore these every day. I also put glow-in-the-dark glitter on my black patent leather Docs and laced them with Spongebob Squarepants laces. I started to get piercings and started stretching my ears. I did crazy things to my hair. It was college. I was . . . branching out . . . Morbidly unflattering pictorial examples I happen to have handy:

(yes, that's Joel Madden; notice the candy necklace and horrible dye job on me).

I also started hanging out quite a bit at Club Orpheus in downtown Baltimore, because they played good dance music, so my style skewed a bit goth-industrial, too. Here's an embarrassing outfit for you (I was home from college, about to hit the mall with my brother, who had started to wear my grandfather's oxford shirts that I'd left behind, hahaha) That's a Goucher lanyard sticking out of my pocket. Gopher pride!

After I graduated college, fashion was just about a non-issue for me. I worked at a job in a basement where the only person I ever saw was my boss, so I certainly didn't dress for the office. And I also had the just-out-of-college-and-I'm-poor blues, so clothes were not at the top of my to-buy list. After that, I had the "my boyfriend spends all my money and I've been buying too much stupid shit on eBay like Sheena Queen of the Jungle comic books and I'm poor" blues, so I still did not buy a lot of clothes. When I did shop, I bought double-duty pieces I could wear to the office (I got a "real job") and as casualwear. For a woman, I owned very few pairs of shoes and almost no accessories.

Also, due to things going on in my life, my self-esteem plummeted. I felt it easier to wear things that drew little attention. Lots of black made it easier for me to blend in. I didn't want to be noticed and didn't really care what I looked like. I felt like I was back in elementary school again, getting by with what I had and trying to pretend that fashion didn't matter--it's what's on the INSIDE that counts. Working in an office full of women made it really hard. They never overtly judged my appearance, but it was always the lowest rank on my performance review, and I got teased more than once about wearing all black, all the time (for a while, I only bought black clothes because I knew they would match all the other black clothes I already owned). Here's one of my traditional office outfits--black and gray (though I did rock the pirate skull headband, just for some funkiness):

Despite how happy I look in the picture above, which is out of context (the outfit is just an example), that period of my life was a low-point, both fashion-wise, but on a much deeper level as well. I guess I hadn't realized until now how what was going on inside was really manifesting itself on the outside.

Anyway, now, very very recently, I've finally gotten back into the fashion groove. I can't pinpoint exactly what it was . . . No, wait, I can. My boyfriend Chris (happily pictured above) told me that he liked me best in feminine clothing (skirts and blouses and cute shoes, etc.).

**Okay, I'd like to stop at this moment and address the obvious. Yes, it seems that what I wear has been largely influenced by the men in my life. I am aware that some feminists will jump out of their chairs in rage at this. But you're missing the point. 1) I am never going to wear something I don't like or am uncomfortable in to please a man. 2) I like to look sexy and attractive for my mate, just as I expect him to want to look sexy and attractive for me. 3) I am open to trying all sorts of new things, especially things that I might not have thought of on my own, so if someone (whether it be a boyfriend or someone else) says to me, "Hey you look good in [whatever]" I'll probably try it. If I look good, I might try more stuff like it. This is how style evolves. 4) I still wear stuff that I like and only I like; I just may not wear it out on a date with my boyfriend, just like I wouldn't wear certain things to the office or certain things to a rock concert. 5) I'm not wearing this stuff to please my man. I'm wearing some of it in some cases because he pointed out it looked good, and I happened to agree.

Now, back to your regularly scheduled blog.**

In light of his comments, I realized that so much of my wardrobe was leftover from a time when I didn't care too much about what I looked like, and that a lot of the pieces were ill-fitting, outdated, drab, or just boring. I was wearing what I had, not what looked good. I also realized that when I wear clothing that fits well, is brightly colored, and is well-taken care of, I feel much more confident. Therefore, I walk taller, look better, smile more, act more comfortably--and people notice that. I feel better, I look better; it's a win-win situation. I've realized that fashion is not shallow, and wanting to look good and dress well is not a sign that I have no substance underneath (as I might have argued when I was 15 and awkward).

The other thing that happened is that I discovered Wardrobe Remix, a group on Flickr. Purely based on appearance, this is one of the most creative, daring, fashionable, and cool groups of women (and some men, too!) I've ever "met." Through their outfits, store listings, and other tips, I've been truly inspired in the way I dress. I'm accessorizing more, little by little, and buying more daring pieces that two years ago I never would have worn. I'm also back to shopping at Goodwill almost exclusively, because now I feel like I truly appreciate it. Not only can I save a ton of money (which is important, now that I'm really an adult), but, as I knew in high school, I can find unique things that set me apart from everyone else. In addition, it's sustainable (good for the earth!), I'm not contributing to the Wal-Martization of the world, and the money I spend goes to a good cause. What could be better??

Flash forward to today: I'm wearing an "old lady outfit." This is something I would have felt completely uncomfortable in two years ago. It's brightly colored and ultra-feminine. (For reference, I know exactly what I was wearing almost exactly two years ago, when I met Chris, the love of my life: a pair of baggy blue jeans, a black tank top, and a black zip sweatshirt--boring, boring, boring. Thank goodness he could see past my fashion-less exterior and fall in love with me anyway. I was dressed like I wanted to blend into the background. I was dressed like I felt inside. As I said before, it was a low-point. Meeting Chris that night changed all that.)

The way I look AND feel today is decidedly non-depressing. As my depressing, all-black outfits of years ago were an outward manifestation of how I felt inside, I think the bright colors and coordination of this outfit are a manifestation of how I feel inside now. I'm happy. I'm spunky. I'm bright. It's an awesome way to feel. :)

(And btw, this entire outfit, from head to toe, cost $28.50.)