Really? Only a Week?

So it’s, like, National Grammar Week, or something. Actually, I think it's just a day (March 4) but some of us want to squeeze as much blood from this stone as possible by letting loose our inner snarky grammar Nazis, guilt-free, for seven days.

This means I may admonish the improperness of all manner of commonly overlooked (even accepted) lingual misfires, while simultaneously retaining the lexical superiority (like moral superiority, but nerdier) and keen sense of ironicalness that affords me the right to use the interjection “like” and unnecessary dependent clause “or something” purposely without shame or regret. I can write overly purple sentences that are 54 words long and perfect in their grammar and punctuation, and look haughty while doing it, even though that sort of thing would make me an asshole during any other week.

Oh English, how I love thee. Let me count the ways in which I am annoyed by hearing you come out of others’ mouths.

For the purposes of this writing, I will stick only to my pet peeves with hard and fast rules—which consist mostly of word confusion. I have my thoughts on the Oxford comma, whether the period goes inside or outside of quotation marks, and just how many commas is too many; but, since those issues can be argued either way with equal validity, I’ll just tell you what you have been doing categorically wrong. Clean up your act, folks. Use words correctly and gain the benefit of looking down your nose at most everyone around you!

The following pairs of words do not mean the same thing and may not be used interchangeably.

1. Further and farther. Further describes an increase in the degree of something, usually intangible. Farther describes actual or abstract distance. Remember it as farther is “more far.”
   
   a. In order to give further thought to this issue, let me go farther down the hall to Mike’s office.
   
   
2. I.e. and e.g. “I.e.” is the Latin abbreviation for id est. It means “that is.” The noun phrase that precedes “i.e.” is an example of the noun phrase that comes after it. “E.g.” is Latin for exempli gratia. It means “for example.” The noun phrase that follows “e.g.” is an example of the noun phrase that precedes it. Remember it is “in essence” and “example given.”
   
   a. I love unicorns, phoenixes, and griffins, i.e., mythical creatures.
   b. None of my favorite animals actually exists, e.g., unicorns.
   
   
3. Less and fewer. This can be confusing because both words have the same antonym: more. Less should be used when describing the amount of a concept that typically is not broken into smaller parts, such as “money” or “time” or “intelligence.” Fewer should be used when describing the quantity of something that can be broken down into discrete parts or increments, such as “dollars” or “minutes” or “remarks.” Remember this by thinking "fewer has fewer s's in it, so use it with words that end in s."
   
   a. I bought the new Joanna Newsom album today, so I have less money than I had yesterday.
   b. I have 25 fewer dollars in my bank account.
   c. My best friend’s new boyfriend has less intelligence than her last one, and he certainly doesn’t make any fewer misogynistic remarks.
   
   
4. That or who. This may not be immediately evident as a pair of commonly confused words, but you probably do it unwittingly all the time. “I’m the girl that you want to have proofread your English papers,” is wrong in two ways. First, it is grammatically incorrect; second, she’s not someone you want proofreading your papers if she makes mistakes like that.
   
   The correct sentence is, “I’m the girl who you want….” Stylistically, however, it flows better just to take out the word altogether: “I’m the girl you want….” Remember that people are people, not objects. They are “whos” not “thats.” Here's a better example:
   
   a. What’s the name of the person who wrote this blog? Elly Zee, and don't you forget it.
   
   
5. In the same vein, who or whom. They really are different, dearies. People who say “whom” are not just trying to be pretentious. One is a subject; one is an object. Remember by using “whom” whenever you would use “them” or “him” or "me." The m’s are there to remind you.
   
   a. If you were starving on a desert island, whom would you eat first? I wouldn’t eat them because they are too skinny, but I would definitely try a taste of him. I sure hope they don't eat me.
   

This is just a sampling of what I wanted to get off my chest. If I think of more (which I will), I’ll probably just roll my eyes when you aren’t looking rather than correct you to your face (or in a blog). In the meantime, though, check out these two great grammar websites:

http://andromeda.rutgers.edu/~jlynch/Writing/index.html - Jack Lynch elegantly lays the hammer down in a way that will make your writing stronger and better. I don't even know him, but I have a total brain-crush on him.

http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/nonerrors.html - This site will confuse everything you think you know about correct grammar, and thus keep you humble.

See how humble I am?